She lit a ciggie and walked to her corner of the little balcony which was pitch dark and looked at the night sky. The cool breeze brushed against her bare skin which was exposed, giving her goosebumps. “It’s not just the mere breeze that did that did this to me”, she thought to herself. It was a certain flash from the past that took over her senses. She could’t help but think of the ecstatic feeling that overtook her for a mere few minutes. As she took another long inhale and felt the smoke kick into her system. She enjoyed that very moment. The moment of the ‘flash from the past’ mingling with the ‘smoke from the ciggie’ merging together. “Why can’t I quit smoking? I am killing myself ain’t I?” She voiced out. Then her inner voice grounded her voice by saying “It’s alright. You are an irregular smoker”.
She tried to relive this sudden ecstatic moment; the nostalgia. It was not easy to explain what she felt. She looked up into the sky trying to spot a few constellations and planets. All she could see were white cotton like fluffy clouds floating by. Every time she took a puff she looked into the sky and puffed it out as if to make the fluffy white clouds. She smiled to herself “I don’t even know what I am thinking right now. Its not like I am purposely trying to think of anything. My mind is blank but there is something that is lingering in my subconscious; and…. I like it”.
As she pulled the fallen strap of her camisole back on her right shoulder she noticed the pure white brilliance starring at her; a cluster of jasmine in full bloom. “Ah! Look at you, you smell so divine!” she said whilst bending over to breathe in the sweetness of the blooms. They glistened like diamonds but smelt so heavenly. As she held the blooms like previous jewels in her palm a certain sense of guilt took over her. “ I am so sorry for infusing you with poison. But I need this right now. I hope you will forgive me. And I hope you understand” she said.
Then she lifted her eyes again into the skies and thought of “him”. She associated the ecstasy with “him”. She could not think of another. She wanted to linger in that moment forever. Thoughts started flooding her of how he once held her in his arms and kissed her breathless. The moments they have shared which lasted a lifetime. She wanted him now. But he was not there no more. She gazed up at the sky and spotted one bright star twinkling away. She wanted to say “I love you” and whisper his name into the universe. But, would that even make any sense anymore?. She was not his lover. She was just another woman. Was there a point of even thinking of “him”?. She could not restrain. She sent a flying kiss at the distant star in a rather histrionic way. The star, so far away beyond her reach, untouchable even in her wildest imagination. She was done with her ciggie. “This is life!” She whispered to herself and walked back into her apartment singing “Runaway” by The Corrs ever so softly under her breath.
Photograph : Pexels
From the Heart 